AFTERWORD

            Whether explicitly or implicitly, we are taught to seek guidance from our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and friends well before relying on ourselves. Over time, this causes many of us to distrust our own internal guidance systems, leaving us to flounder in the murky relationship advice of others, which is oftentimes based on someone else’s own fears and bad experiences.

            Luckily, Anita Charlot has provided us with sound counsel worth delving into well before even agreeing to date number one. The 5 Phases of Dating provides an unconventional take on how to be in relationship not only with another person, but also with one’s self.

            Anita’s analogy comparing a relationship to building a home is brilliant. And when you think about it that way, it only makes sense that the foundation is you. I’ve been married for over twenty years to the same person, and it wasn’t until five years ago that I realized our relationship was wobbly because I didn’t know myself. I had to do as Anita says in Internal Groundwork and establish who I was first. Had I been given the questions she asks, made a list, or understood the 3-6-9 rule years ago, perhaps, my marriage would’ve begun with a concrete frame.

            After we’ve gotten ourselves together, Anita makes clear that just because we know ourselves doesn’t mean that we should jump head first into a committed relationship. Phases I-V show women how to slow things down. With Phase I, readers learn how to develop a friendship and get to know the other person. This is key. I’ve had many friends meet, date, and marry their mates within six months time. All of those relationships have ended in divorce. While every relationship is different, Phase I provides you with sample questions that support your taking time to get to know the person before you dive into a full-on relationship.

            Phase II is the most progressive part of Anita’s dating steps. Similar to not being taught to listen to ourselves, we’re also discouraged from dating around. But this is exactly what Anita suggests. However, she clearly explains how to maneuver this step with respect that will lead to success. Though this might sound taboo, especially for women, readers are not encouraged to sleep around, but rather consider different relationship options, while being honest with each potential partner. Readers aren’t left to believe these are idealistic concepts. Anita illustrates every piece of advice with her own past relationship examples.

            Effective communication and knowing one’s boundaries are integral for Phase III. Once we begin dating someone exclusively, our minds jump directly to marriage. One of the best pieces of advice from this phase is “The first thing we need to cover is the fact that you are in a relationship, not married.” Being married to someone comes with a different list of expectations and privileges than being in a committed relationship. Anita’s lists of questions might seem daunting, but sorting out specifics will help communicate clear expectations and guidelines at the onset, which may save heartache in the end.

            Anita outlines how to move to a more permanent state of relationship with Phases IV and V. Much of the success of these two phases rely on two people conversing about maintaining their “house” both literally and figuratively. Once in a permanent relationship, partners have to determine a respectful living arrangement; likewise, figuratively it is imperative that each person also teaches outsiders (e.g., family and friends) how to respect the new relationship. Should one make it to Phase V, then a deeper level of communication and understanding are required.

            Kudos to Anita Charlot for publishing the second edition of The 5 Phases of Dating! It is timely. Unlike other self-help books, there is no finger wagging at women and all they must do to independently create and maintain successful relationships. This book is for everyone who consciously wants to co-create loving partnerships. Anita does an excellent job of demonstrating that all unions begin with one person, our self. Although it’s a simple concept, it is quite revolutionary to learn that all relationship issues can be resolved by getting clear about one’s self, and then vibing out from there. This might not be the advice we want to hear, but it is definitely the advice we need to hear.

Dr. K E Garland

Author of The Unhappy Wife

http://www.kegarland.com/